For better or worse, every parent brings different strengths, weaknesses, and expectations to the table. Some are more supportive and disciplined, while others are more lenient and permissive. In truth, there’s no hard line that makes the difference between a “good” and “bad” parent. But what happens when both parents are at odds in what they believe is the best path forward?

This can be a tricky area to navigate, but parenting differences between partners are not uncommon. Disagreements are normal and healthy, so long as they’re handled with care, understanding, and respect.

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The Four Types of Parenting Styles

To be a parent is to prepare a child to become an adult who can take care of themself and overcome life’s challenges. Needless to say, parenting is not easy–and it can look different for every family. Making conscious choices about how you will parent your child is essential, and it’s a conversation every parent should have with their partner.

When having this conversation, it can help to know how experts define the different parenting styles. Below, we’ve outlined the four generally accepted categories of parenting. The first three, authoritative, permissive, and authoritarian parenting, were characterized by Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, in the 1960s. The last, uninvolved parenting, was added to the list by Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin in the 1980s.

1. Authoritative Parenting

The defining characteristic of authoritative parenting is balance. It relies on reasonable demands that are backed up by high parental responsiveness and support. Parents who practice authoritative parenting may have high expectations, but they also practice love, warmth, and guidance.

Contrary to what some may think, authoritative parenting is not the practice of threats and punishment. Instead, it is made up of more effective strategies like positive reinforcement. To be an authoritative parent, one must be firm but also flexible and responsive to differing circumstances.

2. Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents are also flexible and responsive, but they generally have lower expectations for their children than authoritative parents do. Permissive parenting is categorized as the parenting style of those who struggle to set limits and define boundaries for their children. While these types of relationships are often warm and loving, permissive parenting is not generally recommended as it can cause children to struggle with self-regulation and low achievement.

Note: What is known as “gentle parenting” is sometimes mistakenly confused with permissive parenting. Instead, gentle parenting is simply a softer version of authoritative parenting. These parents make demands of their children, just in a gentler and more emotionally responsive way.

3. Authoritarian Parenting

Like authoritative parenting, authoritarian parenting consists of high expectations. Where these two styles differ is in the amount of support and responsiveness offered by the parent. In authoritarian parenting, there are strict rules and a significant emphasis on obedience, but very little nurturing and/or positive feedback.

For obvious reasons, authoritarian parenting is not recommended by experts. It can lead to a large number of negative outcomes, like childhood depression, anxiety, shyness, and low self esteem. Because children raised by authoritarian parents are not encouraged to act independently, they often struggle with self-discipline and exhibit behavioral problems when parents are not around.

4. Uninvolved Parenting

Uninvolved parenting is sometimes referred to as neglectful parenting. That’s because it refers to parents who are unresponsive, indifferent, or unavailable to their children. We often hear about the harmful effects of helicopter parenting, but uninvolved parenting can be just as harmful to a child’s development.

Uninvolved parents have low expectations and offer little to no responsiveness, warmth, and affection. Note: When we talk about uninvolved parents, we refer to parents who are uninvolved by choice. Many parents are busy with work and other responsibilities and still find ways to ensure that their children are well cared for and provided for.

If you are unsure about which parenting category you fall into, it may be time to mindfully reflect on your values and goals. You could even take a free online parenting style assessment or speak directly with a counselor. We believe that knowing your own parenting goals and beliefs is an essential first step when it comes to working out differences with your partner.

How to Handle Differences in Parenting

Before sitting down with your partner to talk about parenting, it’s important to understand that differences and disagreements are perfectly normal. Even parents who fall into the same category may find themselves disagreeing about what “authoritative” or “permissive” parenting really means. Be ready to speak about these issues with compassion and openness.

Define Your Family Rules

Talk to your partner about your goals and values and be ready to listen to their own thoughts on the matter. Then, discuss options for the kinds of positive reinforcements and/or consequences a child will face when meeting or failing to meet expectations. Clearly communicate these rules to one another and then present a united front when discussing them with children.

Study Parenting Together

Reading parenting journals and books together can help couples find their common ground. Be willing to learn more about what works and doesn’t work in parenting and adapt your own style when necessary.

Work Out Your Differences Privately

Unless your partner is acting in a way that endangers someone, there’s no need to address your differences in front of your child. If you disagree with how an issue is handled, take note of it and save the topic until you can have a full discussion in private. Supporting your partner in the moment will have a more positive effect on your relationship and will present a stable and united front to your child.

Know When It’s Time to Make a Change

Sometimes, you may discover that your own parenting style and techniques are not working. Just as you would expect your partner to do the same, be willing to make adjustments for the sake of your child’s healthy development.

Keep in mind that no parenting style is guaranteed to produce children who are perfectly well-adjusted. When behavior issues arise, be willing to take accountability for your own role in the issue and adapt accordingly. Often, finding middle ground between your parenting style and that of your partner is the best path forward.

How Different Parenting Styles Can Be a Good Thing

Believe it or not, differences in parenting can be good for your relationship and your child’s development. It can push your family to practice trust and encourage more open communication. If you are ready to start a conversation and embark on the path to health and wholeness, turning to a counselor can be a great first step.

At NPS, we work with couples and families every day to facilitate growth and learning. Give us a call at (815) 477-4727 to learn more about how we can help. Remember, we offer free 15-minute meet and greets to all new clients!