There is no such thing as a perfect family. In fact, anyone trying to achieve an ideal is more likely to cause harm than good. Instead of perfection, we encourage our clients to aspire to healthy family dynamics. Healthy and happy relationships will result in better mental stability, emotional development, and interpersonal connections for all members of the family.

But what do healthy dynamics look like? For starters, ask yourself if the positive interactions between family members outnumber the negative ones. Unfortunately, conflict, stress, and hardship are unavoidable. Families with healthy dynamics feel safe and supported at home, regardless of what else may be going on externally.

One problem that can hinder healthy family dynamics is the presence of control issues. These issues can manifest in parental, romantic, and sibling relationships–and they are always detrimental for both the controlled and the controlling. If you believe control issues are holding your family back, NPS can help you embark on a healthier course.

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What Do Control Issues Look Like?

Control issues are subtle and may be disguised as helpful or affectionate behavior. As a result, they are sometimes hard to recognize.

This issue is made even more complicated when the controlling person does not believe that their behavior is problematic. Speaking with a counselor about perceived problems can help all parties gain an unbiased view of what’s going on. Turn to NPS, and we can help you spot the warning signs of control issues in families and couples.

In Families -

Parent-child and sibling dynamics can often turn controlling. Knowing how to spot the signs can help you know when it’s time to implement healthier strategies, boundaries, and behavior. Control issues often look like:

Conditional love, or affection that is only offered based on achievements
Gaslighting and other forms of emotional manipulation
Discouraging independent behavior
Failing to show respect or empathy
Allowing little to no privacy
Giving negative criticism and/or shaming

Coping with controlling behavior can be damaging and emotionally draining. If you’re ready to set healthier expectations in your familial relationships, an NPS specialist can help you and your loved ones.

In Couples -

Control issues in romantic relationships can be just as damaging and dangerous as in parent or sibling dynamics, if not more so. In fact, control issues are often a core component of abusive behavior, with the potential of leading to emotional, financial, and even physical abuse. If you believe you may be in a controlling or abusive relationship, seek help. A controlling partner may:

Tell you what to wear or how to do your hair
Manage your schedule or insist on driving you everywhere
Get upset when you don’t answer the phone
Act jealous of your friends and family
Invade your privacy
Blame you for their problems
Criticize even small mistakes
Isolate you from others

Control issues can lead to more concerning behavior, but they can also be corrected when both partners are willing to put in the work. Setting firmer boundaries and communicating your concerns are good first steps.

What Causes Control Issues?

Control issues are not a recognized mental health disorder. Instead, they are usually a symptom of something else that is going on. Many people use control as a coping strategy to temporarily create feelings of safety and stability, without realizing that, in the long run, it will only lead to damage and burnout.

At NPS, we commonly see control issues in clients who struggle with:

Perfectionism
Anxiety
Insecurity
Fear of abandonment
Past trauma
Low self-worth

The thing about using control to cope with anxiety, trauma, or whatever else you’re going through is this: it doesn’t work. Eventually, you’ll realize that you can’t always control others or your external environment. Instead, it’s both healthier and wiser to shift to internal strategies for stability. Strengthening your own knowledge, skills, and resources will enable you to weather whatever life throws at you.

Negative Outcomes of Control Issues in Families

It’s important to understand that control issues in families can lead to long-term negative outcomes. When the goal is to produce happy, healthy, and well-adjusted individuals, control can have no place in the daily dynamics.

For children raised in controlling homes, it’s common for one or more of the following issues to occur:

Lack of Motivation

When a child’s primary motivation is to please a demanding parent, they reach adulthood without a clear idea of who they are or what they want out of life. Ultimately, this leads to less motivation and drive, not more.
People Pleasing

When healthy boundaries aren’t established at home, it’s hard for children to learn the importance of setting them in their non-familial relationships. These people-pleasing children often grow into adults who feel personally responsible for the happiness and well-being of others.
Low Self-Esteem

Control issues in the home environment often cause a child’s self-worth to erode. When love and acceptance are conditional, the child learns to believe their value is not inherent but dependent on their ability to please others.

These are just a few of the negative outcomes we expect to see when control issues affect a family’s dynamic. There is also a higher risk of exploitation, abusive behavior, and anxiety or depression. Fortunately, overcoming controlling behavior at home is possible, especially with the help of a specialist in family issues from NPS.

How to Overcome Controlling Behavior

At NPS, we believe health and healing are always possible. If your family is affected by control issues at any level, we can help you find the path forward. Letting go of control issues is not easy, but it can be done. Here’s what we recommend:

Identify the emotions behind your controlling behavior.
Find healthier ways to cope with those emotions.
Let go of what you cannot control.
Accept yourself for who you are.
Accept your loved ones for who they are.
Practice self-care, in the form of stress management and relaxation, every day.
Reach out to a qualified counselor when you need help.

Our specialists can help you achieve healthier family dynamics in a number of ways. Family counseling, trauma therapy, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are just a few of the services we offer that may help. To learn more about what we recommend for families with control issues, give us a call at (815) 477-4727.